if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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