she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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