a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
