haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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