Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
