I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
