He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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