ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
