He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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