I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
