I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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