when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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