mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
