Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
