If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize