I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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