Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
