all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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