dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize