My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
