Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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