We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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