I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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