i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize