eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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