Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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