In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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