apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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