Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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