If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
