Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
