Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
