there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
