I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
We're too hungover to prance.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
