Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize