look no pants
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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