she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
