"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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