It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
So squirting runs in the family.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize