Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
