I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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