when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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