I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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