you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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