My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
