I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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