he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
