we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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