remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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