she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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