the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
