Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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