i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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