Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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