Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
