so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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