before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
