you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
