Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
