i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
